TUMULT AND FRENZY IN COMMONS ROW

From "The Far Out Cosy Corner," August 1994

ATTILA THE HUN ADMITS GOINGS-ON

Report by our Commons Correspondent, Patsy Plenty

Amazing scenes ensued after a personal statement by the Right Honourable Attila the Hun Q.C. M.P., member for British West Hartlepool and Secretary for State for Inclement Weather. The statement followed disclosures concerning the untruth of his answers to the House in Question Time last week. He had been asked by Gordon Nowhere, member for Bedlam West, whether there was any truth in the allegations that he had personally indulged in rapine and pillage, set the villages of the Magyar Plains to fire and tempest, tortured and killed many innocents, spilt Christian blood, abased two dozen bishops and personally disgraced a Metropolitan of the Orthodox Church. Mr. the Hun replied that it wasn't him.

Subsequently, he was asked by Miss Betty Bluebell, the Speaker of the House: "Are you sure?" To which he replied: "Oh, yes, that's right. I did it."

The House was unimpressed. There was an intervention by the member for Dangling Strangely, Mr. Dundee Gobshite, who said: "I don't give a flying fuck for what you do out there matey, but you can't tell fibs to us. You should be strung up!" There were cries of "hear hear!" "mine's a large one," and "she looked older than fourteen to me, officer."

Speaker: "You're a naughty little man, aren't you?"

Mr. the Hun: "Sorry."

Speaker: "Oh alright, then. Have an OBE."

Tumult and jubilation. Cries of "jolly good show," "press intrusion" and "after you in the barrel, Michael."

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