Tuesday, August 29, 2006


As reported by Wild Bill Deedes

From "The St. Lone Ranger's Day Special," June 1994

Chaos mounted today as the. United. Nations' Commission for Local Elections, Jobs in Overseas Elections, Money and Politics (UNCLE JOE'S MINT BALLS) oversaw the latest in a fractious round of by-elections in parts of England. After a suitably fractured truce called to mark the sincere sorrow of all politicians at the passing of a thoroughly nice and decent man they'd all spent the past two years cheerfully vilifying, the first shots were fired in what all concerned hoped would he a "kinder, gentler election campaign".

The Prime Minister, That Nice Mr. Major told reporters: "I wunt us all to he able to engage in political argument in a more measured and mature way. We in the Conservative party are serious in our intentions to stop all this shallow backbiting and, snide side-swiping, not like the shit-for-brains on the benches opposite." A Liberal spokesman said: "We are the nice guys of politics. Aren't the others a frightful bunch of bastards?" Mr. John Prescott said. "Who are you calling aggressive? I'll see you outside."


In a related development, the Liberal Party's spokeswoman on health, disability, social affairs, the export of live frogs, shake and vac, Ms. Ohyouknow Theonewhomasearasthewhitesofhereyes, said something or other rather portentous in a canary yellow suit. And Gracie Fields is still dead.

Naughty vicar

Celebrities flocked to see the new showing of Michael Portillo's political acumen after his success as the Conservative Party's London elections supremo. In a new move, he nailed his Thatcherite credentials to the sofa by appearing on BBC Children's Television to tell children: "I don't think a smug git with a silly haircut will become Prime Minister in my life time."


Allons citoyens! C'est moi, Paddy Ashdown, le chef de la partie plus communitaire en England, avec des mots très important de nos temps. As vous will connâit, les elections de la Union European ont au dessus de nous. Votez pour nous, les autres parties sont petites anglaises, et j'ai de commando training.

Copyright: The Mad Mullah 1984

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