Tuesday, August 29, 2006


As reported by Wild Bill Deedes

From "The St. Lone Ranger's Day Special," June 1994

Chaos mounted today as the. United. Nations' Commission for Local Elections, Jobs in Overseas Elections, Money and Politics (UNCLE JOE'S MINT BALLS) oversaw the latest in a fractious round of by-elections in parts of England. After a suitably fractured truce called to mark the sincere sorrow of all politicians at the passing of a thoroughly nice and decent man they'd all spent the past two years cheerfully vilifying, the first shots were fired in what all concerned hoped would he a "kinder, gentler election campaign".

The Prime Minister, That Nice Mr. Major told reporters: "I wunt us all to he able to engage in political argument in a more measured and mature way. We in the Conservative party are serious in our intentions to stop all this shallow backbiting and, snide side-swiping, not like the shit-for-brains on the benches opposite." A Liberal spokesman said: "We are the nice guys of politics. Aren't the others a frightful bunch of bastards?" Mr. John Prescott said. "Who are you calling aggressive? I'll see you outside."


In a related development, the Liberal Party's spokeswoman on health, disability, social affairs, the export of live frogs, shake and vac, Ms. Ohyouknow Theonewhomasearasthewhitesofhereyes, said something or other rather portentous in a canary yellow suit. And Gracie Fields is still dead.

Naughty vicar

Celebrities flocked to see the new showing of Michael Portillo's political acumen after his success as the Conservative Party's London elections supremo. In a new move, he nailed his Thatcherite credentials to the sofa by appearing on BBC Children's Television to tell children: "I don't think a smug git with a silly haircut will become Prime Minister in my life time."


Allons citoyens! C'est moi, Paddy Ashdown, le chef de la partie plus communitaire en England, avec des mots très important de nos temps. As vous will connâit, les elections de la Union European ont au dessus de nous. Votez pour nous, les autres parties sont petites anglaises, et j'ai de commando training.

Copyright: The Mad Mullah 1984

Sunday, August 27, 2006

The more thrilling adventures of H.H.Asquith and Sir Edward Grey, the Boy Wonder

From the "St. Lone Ranger's Day Special," June 1994.

Austen Chamberlain
The story so far: 6 o'clock was cocktail time. Sure enough, one came through the window. "Holy Agadir, H.H., Prince Kropotkin's very punctual today," said the Boy Wonder. "Ah, Miss Violet, you have broken my heart in seventeen places, including Shepherd's Bush," observed the Prince of PMs. "I think I'll have to brush up my French," said Ll.G. "Things are getting touchy in the Channel." "I think we need to think about inflation; time was, you could set fire to a small country and still get change from a penny. So much for the Licensing Act," muttered H.H. as he slid to the floor. "Mine's a small one but it still fits in the envelope!"

The Queen of Moston

Part sixteen of our thrilling chronicle, continued from page 6

bath time once again and Buffy and Teddy take the opportunity to play with their full-size models of the German South Atlantic Fleet. In next to no time the Bismark has been tackled and Matron joins in the good clean fun.

"Well, you know, some of us know some very important people, we're not all just tat you know, oh no, I knew that Lord Byron you know, mm, that's right, well, I never met him, but I saw a book of his in a bookshop once, well, I was told about the bookshop, it was next to a cottage I went to once when I was just going to see my friend the butcher boy, ooh no, he's in the recreation department, he's just a bit butcher than a lot of the old queens you see on the stamps, well he'd had a row with his boss, the Supernintendo, no, not Lord Byron, though he was a nice old doll, he left me some chocolate biscuits you know, are you listening to me?


From "The Cinemagoer," March 1992

Tony Bollockbrain brings us the best of the new releases from the film capital of nowhere in particular.

Citizen Kong (RKO)
Orson Welles' searing verité exposé of the American media system. Robert Armstrong stars as an adventurer who visits a remote South Seas island and brings back a monster that sets New York on its ear. Also starring Fay Wray as Linda Lusardi.

Alien in Wonderland (CBS)
Also billed as The Return of the Ploughman's Lunch.
In one of the grossest moments in mainstream cinema, the scene where the white rabbit jumps out of Alice's stomach used real cream!

An American Werewolf in Paris (Paramount)
Thrill to Gene Kelly as the moon-crazed lycanthrope, Lon Chaney Jr. as Jack Buchanan and Peter Lorre as Cyd Charisse. Features that romantic Left Bank moment where Kelly slobbers all over the heroine's frock.

Cinema in pictures

Sylvester Stallone and Kathleen Turner relaxing on the set of "Noah II: Revenge of the Woodworm," a major new release due out next summer.

The Cinemagoer beats the censors! The scene that was cut out of "The Tallulah Bankhead Story" (1972)

A scene from Howard Hawks' 1937 production of "Mopsy, Flopsy and Cottontail" starring George Raft as Mummy.

Meryl Streep posing on location for her film hit "Out of Africa" (1985)

A rare moment of lyric passion in Russ Meyer's adaptation of D.H. Lawrence's "Women In Love," presently being filmed in a scout hut in Digbeth. Robert Maxwell and Clive James share this intimate scene.

High drama in the Spanish Main as Captain Eric Blood (Basil Radford) engages in bloody duel with Jasper Yellowbeard (Claudette Colbert) in Talbot Rothwell's thrilling bodice-ripper "Coo Lummee!"

Video Review

This week's reviewer is Police Inspector Arnie Nunfondler of the Queen's Own Mounted Freemasons.

I Spit In Your Gravy (1979)
An idiosyncratic portrait of the Brothers Roux. A high school convention of cuisine minceur freaks falls victim to the blood-crazed madnesses of mousses aux girolles and galettes suisses. Cissy Spacek stars as the rissole.

The Last Remake of Phillip Jenkinson (1977)
A small-scale cinematic classic starring John Hurt as an outrageously camp television magazine presenter thrown into the slough of despond after misguidedly demonstrating the techniques of French kissing on his pet kitten.

Abbott & Costello Meet Austen Chamberlain (1943)
Join our lovable clowns in a period romp as Bud is mistaken for German statesman Gustav Stressemann, a confusion compounded by Lou's quite remarkable resemblance to Lord Crewe. Adolphe Menjou, as Stanley Baldwin, lends a degree of urbanity to this knockabout farce using the Treaty of Locarno as a backdrop.

The St. Lone Ranger's Story (1937)
C.B. de Mille's classic revokation of the legend of the great saint. Forty-seven extras were injured in the filming of the Hannigan's Truss Boutique scene. Clara Bow steals many of the quieter scenes. Look for the cameo by Erich von Stroheim as Fazackerly, last of the Lancashire Giants.

The Last of the Red Hot Mongols (1957)
Yul Brynner stars as Sophie Tucker, the blood-crazed megalomaniac who ravages the whole of Asia, setting entire communities to risqué ballads. Look out for King Oliver as Vasili II, Tsar of all the Russias.

Absolute Binliners (1986)
A musical extravaganza starring Patsy Kensit, David Bowie, someone else, that bloke in the loud suit from the Club Legover advert, forty-seven extras from a C.B. de Mille picture, twelve thousand failed interviewees for the part of Pippi Lonstocking and twenty-nine thousand advertising agents in an all-singing, all-dancing, all-consuming mess set in the London of the 1970s. Don't miss Sir John Gielgud as Malcolm MacLaren and Denholm Elliott as Bill Grundy.

Blue Peter The Motion Picture (1985)
John Carpenter's homage to washing up liquid bottles and sticky back plastic. You'll never look at sensible scissors quite the same way again!

The Desert Song (1912)
The original version directed by Vasili Goncharov with Maxim Gorki as the Red Shadow. A seminal work which influenced Eisenstein's "Пять идти в Киеве" ("Five Go To Kiev"). The original score by Wally Whyton (for years supplanted by a Leonid Brezhnev and the Crickets album) is played by Andrei Sakharov on a paper and comb.

Directing By Numbers (1988)
Peter Greenaway invites us to tarry awhile in the warm glow of obfuscationist cinema. Bernard Hill stars as Rondolfo, an itinerant newt-sexer and underwater saxophonist who falls in love with Gertrude (Debbie Greenwood in a fun fur and cardboard viking helmet), a Bessarabian cat meat saleswoman and mistress of Wotan, a chartered accountant from Crewe.


From "The Far Out Cosy Corner," August 1994

Everyone's been talking about the Internet, but just what is it and why and what are all those squiggly things and can you really get instructions on how to make a bomb and cats and cannibal cookbooks and Elvis is married to the Loch Ness Monster and Jimmy Clitheroe sings counter tenor under half a pound of boiled ham at the Albert Hall with Luciano Panzerotti bullshitcomputer.bollocks.uk up up and away, heigh ho Silver cut awat cut away with William Tell and Bela Lugosi as Anne Shelton on the European Special world wide jet set superhighway to the stars including James Last and the Jimmy Hill Latin American dancers.

Coming soon: Windows 95 -- embedded objects to improve your love life


"I never did care for Emporer Rosco," says Gorman.


Report by our National Lottery correspondent Phil Filooker

"My friends don't want to know any more," says National Lottery winner John Major.

More of this drivel at length inside.

News in Briefs

From "The Far Out Cosy Corner," August 1994

Coatbridge Sunnyside: Commuters reeled in shock as a train pulled out of the station on time. "I was shocked and stunned," said local blacksmith Mrs. Ethel Crutchley. A shocked Scotrail spokesman said: "Obviously this is the kind of thing we shall want to get rid of when the services are fully privatised."

Dr. Day's Junction: Inter Milan have put in a £2.5m bid for wayward midfield maestro Jackie Chan.



Text by Betsy Coed
Pictures by Clifford Llandudno


From "The Far Out Cosy Corner," August 1994


Report by our Commons Correspondent, Patsy Plenty

Amazing scenes ensued after a personal statement by the Right Honourable Attila the Hun Q.C. M.P., member for British West Hartlepool and Secretary for State for Inclement Weather. The statement followed disclosures concerning the untruth of his answers to the House in Question Time last week. He had been asked by Gordon Nowhere, member for Bedlam West, whether there was any truth in the allegations that he had personally indulged in rapine and pillage, set the villages of the Magyar Plains to fire and tempest, tortured and killed many innocents, spilt Christian blood, abased two dozen bishops and personally disgraced a Metropolitan of the Orthodox Church. Mr. the Hun replied that it wasn't him.

Subsequently, he was asked by Miss Betty Bluebell, the Speaker of the House: "Are you sure?" To which he replied: "Oh, yes, that's right. I did it."

The House was unimpressed. There was an intervention by the member for Dangling Strangely, Mr. Dundee Gobshite, who said: "I don't give a flying fuck for what you do out there matey, but you can't tell fibs to us. You should be strung up!" There were cries of "hear hear!" "mine's a large one," and "she looked older than fourteen to me, officer."

Speaker: "You're a naughty little man, aren't you?"

Mr. the Hun: "Sorry."

Speaker: "Oh alright, then. Have an OBE."

Tumult and jubilation. Cries of "jolly good show," "press intrusion" and "after you in the barrel, Michael."

Hooray for Hollywood!

From "The Easter Egg Parade," the Cosy Corner Christmas Special, August 1987

[I'm trying to get hold of good copies of the pictures to scan]

The Tale of Peter Rabbit (1932)
Warner Brothers' presentation of the Beatrix Potter story, starring George Raft and James Cagney and featuring Pat O'Brian as Mr. McGregor.

An American Werewolf in Paris (1951)
Lon Chaney Jr. stars as Gene Kelly in this sumptuous extravaganza of lycanthropic terpsichore.

The Rather Over-compensating for Shyness Version Of Brief Encounter (1947)
The remake of the David Lean classic wherein Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson are arrested at Carnforth Station after complaints lodged by catering management.

Citizen Kong (1943)
How a seventy-foot tall gorilla conquered the Yellow Press of America.