From "A Child's Garden," May 1987
8 Guess who was seen shopping in Timothy White's last week! Nicholas II, Tsar of All The Russias, that's who! Our scouts spotted him buying "something for the weekend." Bit of news you're not telling us about, eh, Nicky boy?
8 Despite his jolly demeanour it seems that Joey Grimaldi is a miserable soul in real life. A taxi driver tells us: "I had that Joey Grimaldi in my cab last week. And do you know, he was a right miserable sod he was. 'Ain't you that Joey Grimaldi?' I arsked him and what did he say? 'Joey Grimaldi's dead isn't he?' 'Well if he's dead I'm carrying a pretty chipper corpse in the back of me cab,' I riposted. And do you know what he said to me? 'Don't be so bloody stupid. I'm Prince Phillip. Now get your finger out before the bookies are closed." You heard it here first!
8 Who is that being lined up for the latest Steven Spielberg film? Why, it's none other than Lord Lucan, fresh from a six-week engagement on the North Pier at Blackpool!
8 Which well-known celebrity was seen coming out of an off-licence in Tooting? Could it be Sir Stafford Cripps?
[No, of course it couldn't. You're fired. Eddie the Pissed-off Editor]
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